Ushering 2014

Last day of 2013, hooorrraayyyyy....? Notice the question mark at the end? See, that's something that I am not really getting here. Its the last day of a year, a year in the life of XXX, it means something, no?

I don't know if I am blowing New Year's Eve gathering and parties out of proportion, but I am quite sick of hearing some say its "just another day" and they add on a "get over it" as well. I can't bear the thought that some sees it as a day to just get by or get over with. It sounds real pathetic to me that one can opt to just watch dramas in their room to usher in a new year. End a year and start a whole new year on a good note, no? Your birthday and no one does anything for you, its just another day and you should just get over it. Can I use the same reasoning on that? We celebrate the birth of a Saviour on Christmas, but its just another day and just get over it. Again, can I use the same reasoning for this situation as well. 

I remembered a year where my family just got home from a New Year Eve's party at a relatives place, endless amount of food served and countdown done. Once we got home, I got into a fight with my brother about something, trivial I might add. Lo and behold, my dad came into the picture and we got a real good lesson. I clearly remembered him saying this "First day of 20XX and you wanna start with a fight!". 

Same difference here I guess. First day of 2014 and you wanna start by getting it over with. First day of 2014 and you wanna spend it rotting at home. 

FYI, I am not asking for a sophisticated and lavish, all out bash to be thrown to usher in a new year kays?

The #roc3embrace Journey Pt. 3

.: long, panjang lebar written post ahead :.

I wouldn't have thought that throughout directing and backup singing for ROC3 would only produce 2 blog posts! Yes, ROC3 has ended. I can't believe its has come to live on stage and curtain has been called.. *is there such a thing? Its meant to be curtain call but you get what I'm trying to convey*. 

Its amazing to have my family in the audience, I guess its their first time in a very long time seeing me get involved in something artsy. Sadly, they missed the opening and they came in halfway through Prelude. So, in a way they didn't get to see me on stage *laugh out loud*. Was quite nervous for the opening, first time solo singing on stage with mics *phew*. Really enjoyed playing the role of a "ballet flat wearing Greek goddess in a maroon peter-pan collared, mullet dress". Embrace's opening was derived from The Gospel Truth from Hercules and I must say, its definitely a different kind of opening than what was done in previous musicals. 

Standing at where the backup singers stood, my eyes were glued to the stage. How to not look there anyways? Mega proud of everyone, they gave their best and if there was mistakes, the cover ups were superb! Hearing how the crowd goes was encouraging at the same time funny. My dad was reminded of his youth hearing some of the songs that was included in this year's production. Really glad that there was something that he relates to. 

Serving with my other 5 scriptwriters were an experience on its own. I would admit that it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows throughout the 8 weeks of practices and the additional 3 to 4 weeks of script writing prior to that. There were times that we differed in opinions but I am thankful that we are united. In vision, direction and also in having each other's backs. It was amazing seeing how we differ in terms of music taste and imagination but yet, it came out in one really awesome-ly merged script.

I struggled with being gracious-equally to all my cast. The Alphas were pretty much in the safe zone as I gave them the "you're a junior" ticket. The seniors, on the other hand, I expected them deliver. There is a line in the musical which was said by the character Emma "I believe in working my way..". I personally have that mindset towards people who are, hmm how should I put this, "there". For those that I consider "there", its in my understanding/logic that they have clock in their hours, braved through storms, paid their dues and worked their way to where they are now, which is "there". "Up there" to be precise. And when you are "there", its preferable that you better not be a waste of space. 

I had a relatively rough time accepting that things are handed to certain people almost like on a platter. I know its rather ironic to think that I was handpicked by God himself to write a story on the subject of grace. Grace, aside from it something given to us when we are so undeserving of it,  its also something that is freely given to all by God himself, almost like on a platter. Then one day, it just hit me. Why bother being unhappy of how God chose to bless others? Its their blessings and God blesses me in His own special way too! Seen or unseen, His blessings are indeed upon my life. Its my pathetic nature to choose to compare blessings with the people around me. I wouldn't say I am completely over it, but I believe now I have clarity that I never had before. 

The #roc3embrace Journey Pt. 2

Reporting to you blog readers live from the workstation of a director. This is the story of ROC3 practices thus far as of 19th of November 2013.

Just entered Week 5 of my academic calender and I just sat for one of my midterm yesterday - BBL2014 Business Law. Technically, the musical is 3 more weeks away as booking for the main hall has been APPROVED.! Having main hall approved meant that the musical is happening on the 9th of December 2013 and it will be my first time doing a musical in that main hall. I must say that Main Hall doesn't look as nice as Rumah Media (where I had my first ROC experience), but this is the venue that every musical is intended to be held at, in campus.

To be honest, I've been having this "I wanna get things done" mentality quite a lot, more than I should. You see, I intended ROC3 to be this great journey of faith, where I expected great trials and problems to actually come up that would make me rely on God more. Not to say that things have been easy peasy but I've been doing well with the "get things done" mentality. Like the other how Sally shared that different musicals will have different issues, like how during ROC2, she felt picked on. Cast and crews will make comments on the blog that she is in charge of, the transport list etc.

According to her, this time round for ROC3, its costumes that are problematic. Costume arrangements are done by me. For me all this while when casts come to me and say they wanna change something and all, I thought it was just the nature of making costume arrangements. It never occurred to me that I was picked on. Upon knowing I might have been indirectly "picked on", multiple thoughts ran through my mind, like how I know I am not a mainstream face here and how because of that, people are not having an easy time accepting the arrangements that I have came up with. I, all of a sudden had all the reason in the world to believe that - No, its not my costume arrangements that have major problem, the major problem is they or some of them anyways, have a problem with the person assigning costumes this time round and that's me.

But you know what, I trust the good taste that God gave me and also the eyes that my other directors have when they come to me wanting to amend costumes in their scene. I am trying to not be arrogant of this position, responsibility and authority given to me, I am just trying to stay firm and protect the vision I've had in mind. In fact, I will try my best also in staying tough while being picked on.

Picked on.? Nah, I intend to work closely with clothes in the future, all the unpleasant things coming my way now I take it as the nature of the task. Do note also that I know how to protect my vision and at the same time know how to consider what amendments are valid and which are not.

The #roc3embrace Journey Pt. 1

This is the Embrace journey as of 7th November 2013. It's Week 3 of my academic calender now, so that means that I have survived Intensive Week together with Week 1 and 2 of ROC practices. Being a scene director, costume director and a backup singer has been packed with experience so far. Intensive Week was not as tough as how I initially imagined, hugely thanks to this current batch of juniors. Not just are they attentive and ready to listen to orders, their enthusiasm, work ethic, professionalism and curiosity has been encouraging to me. They just have so much energy that they stay even when they do not have practices. Like, are you guys kidding meyh.?? 

Been quite happy with the choreography though changes still occur here and there, thanks to my late night Youtubing session, not so with singing because of #macamyestapibukan cases. But there's nothing that can't be whipped to perfection. I am so prepared to be hated >.< To date, we only had one full dress rehearsal, and I truly believe that costumes does bring out a character. Not to sound cocky, but for a first full dress rehearsal, I think the costumes I assigned looked pretty good. HAHAHAHA.. I allow you to laugh and let go of the urge to punch me in the face for 3 seconds. 

Thinking back of how I was as a junior here, I did none of those sort of things. Whenever I do not have scenes, all I do is rush home and get some sleeepppp. I wasn't into availing myself for "girly hangouts" cause they were not my kind of hangout. Fingers crossed for greater productivity to come, both in scene practices and also backup singing practice. Got assigned to sing one of Glee's done-so-right songs so YESSS.!!! I always felt inadequate (one way or another) because of the usual, I-don't-play-any-instruments or I-never-sang-or-joined-a-choir, but I am glad I made up for that through my dad's upbringing on me. Thank goodness I have a dad who listens and appreciated the music of his generation and I guess through that I gained an appreciation not just for the music of his generation but eventually mine as well. How many souls out there can appreciate Bieber? 

But yeah, I know how to fake swag when needed. No amount of formal music education can teach you that. You learn that by hearing your dad sing for fun in the car lols. ROC3 is gonna so kick-ass.!!

Falling Like a Piece of "Nangka"

There was this episode that I had few years back when the people in my batch did an ice skating trip. After numerous rounds on the ice just to be more "fluid" but still skating like a log of wood, two Malay boys were skating behind me and one all of a sudden fell. The one that did not fall laughed and said "bagai nangka jatuh". Translated it means falling like a piece of nangka *dukkk*. That was something that I laughed about for weeks and my batch mates wouldn't let it go as well. That was few years back.

Yesterday, Friday (30th Aug 2013) the CF did a Running Men inspired game. I do not watch Running Men but the gist I got from people was its a game of a team chasing a hiding team. I was paired with a junior and she led the pairing. That is till I fell flat hahaha... The pain is bearable but after spending some time watching Michelle Kwan in the 2002 Olympics free skate, where she fell and just got back up to continue with the program, woooowww, MeiTheng you're a piece of tofu =.=

Skaters falling because of not landing on their jumps basically redefined "nangka jatuh" and how they get on with their program is mind blasting. My case of just a simple fall and I walk with bent knees and ouches here and there...

How is that possible? Overall watching figure skating for the first time in a long time was really fun for me. I still remember what the jumps are called and the spins etc. My childhood =))

"We Are Going Back Now"

Attended MMU's 14th Convocation yesterday. The day started off a little bumpy but am glad that it worked out in the end. Came to Cyber campus slightly later than I expected so by the time I reached, dear Esther has already entered the Grand Hall and the rest were going off to get some lunch, both Malaccans and Cyberians. I just followed because that was where everyone is.

Do note that I write this because I need an outlet to let it out and also because the friends that I call whenever things happened are not available to pick up my call at the moment. I do not intend to hold it in because I don't know what kind of damage it would do to me. Yes, I sayang myself that much and if that makes me a bitch, you're a bitch as well just because I can love myself that much. I guess I am writing this because what actually happened, "the not so good" part affected me one way or another. Trust me, I tried self psycho-ing last night, I didn't work as much as I wanted it too. So the story goes like this...

After lunch at Shaftbury's Subway, I thought all were going to head back to campus; my security and guarantee was with the Engineering Faculty from Malacca as there are graduates that we know from there. Malaccans are strange (at this part, kindly leave should you be offended), they are willing to travel 4 hours and just spend 2 hours plus at the place they traveled to. Unfortunately, my security blanket did not secure me enough. They were all heading back right after lunch (meaning from Subway) and they are not planning to wait for the engineers from Malacca (hahah) to come out from the hall after being "convocated". I panicked for a split second, but then I asked Jerome if he would be okay with me cramming in his car. He was ok with it. Scott who was supposed to be in the same car as Jerome decided to overnight in his own place in PJ so that the journey back to Malacca would be so bad. 

The fault might have also been from me since I came late to campus but if this was a mainstream face, the whole kampung would have waited just so she/he gets what they wanted. And being mainstream really does get you places because people will automatically be more thoughtful of your plight and be extra sacrificial. 

I worked real hard to toughen up against what would have hurt me two years ago and I did. The success rate of this is not a 100% so for the times that I am affected, I can say I am affected bad. Basically, when it doesn't affect me, it just doesn't. But when it does, I am wreck. 

Part and Parcel of Writing

In my previous post, I shared about my hopeless love and ridiculous admiration for Taylor Swift's music and song writing and also how "the moment I control-S my word document, I felt as if I have written the best piece of writing I have in my lifetime". I still am standing by what I wrote haha. I had another meeting over the weekend to present my script to the rest of the scriptwriters. I felt really happy to share what I have written and hearing them laugh and be entertained at what I wrote was so fulfilling to me. I mean, I was in the mindset that I have written the most kick ass thing and that nothing can beat it okay?


After the meeting, there were amendments. I expected this part from the beginning but I believe that one does not find it easy to scrape and re-think an original idea. Even more so when its an original idea that the person herself thought of from scratch. I had quite a tough time deciding what to scrape because all were so precious to me. Too precious. So I kinda left the scraping to my head directorand she did. It was only then the writing/amending got easier for me. As of now, I would say I have finalized my scripts. Finalized as in the version that all scriptwriters are going to present to fellow cast members during the musical launching.


As I was touching them up, I realized that this one song got to stay. I can't reveal what this one song is (find out for yourself during launching), but it was a song that my dad introduced to me when I was very young, around 7 or 8 maybe. You know how the 80's was the decade that produced quite a number of groundbreaking musicals like Footloose, Flashdance and Fame and my dad still being quite "in" then knew them well. This one song is a soundtrack from one of those musicals and my dad being the music enthusiast that he is, told me bout the movie that this song is from and encouraged me to watch it when I got the chance. It was then I was determined to watch the musical when I am old enough (because of explicit content). My chance to watch it eventually came and I can say that that one song is one of those songs that has stuck with me over the years. I don't think of it all the time, but whenever it comes on the radio, I make a mental note that this was one of the songs that my dad shared with me and I know this song in a way that not many in my generation might know. Okay, maybe I am deluded but who actually would know what I know is actually rare? I was 8 years old and has already been fed with pop culture facts hahaha...


Though scraping so much songs that I initially had in mind and written for my script was tough, the whole time I just didn't want to do my job, looking back at the latest version that I have control-S at, I am comforted by the fact of that one song that got to stay =) Working with a team, we sacrifice our preferences to make way for other people's preferences which might weigh more in the big picture.
As the journey continues...

All Too Well

"Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well"

I like how when I listen to a song that's familiar but yet I can still discover new lyrics in the midst of what is already known. That above is from Taylor Swift's All Too Well and I strongly believe she is the only person on the face of earth that can come up and pull off such lyrics. The fairy tale, dream like feel when one listen's to her music. She has done it multiple times. Another favourite from her is in Sparks Fly's music video. I don't purposely search for MVs to watch but I am glad that I saw this. Ballerinas and those dresses...Such bliss =) 

Going to a Taylor Swift concert is definitely a must in my lifetime. In the meantime, maybe owning her perfume Wonderstruck would be surreal...

I have completed my musical script, with the songs and dialogues and I don't know if its just me but the moment I control-S my word document, I felt as if I have written the best piece of writing I have in my lifetime. It feels perfect. HAHA, but let's just see how the coming weekend's scene presentation would go.

Till then...

Romantically Deprived

One more paper to go for midterm and after I would be midterms free. Someone is gonna get so fluffed up because the title above was "coined" by him. 

I don't know how discrete should one be about something that people already know but none is talking about it publicly. Its a topic that many are unwilling to initiate, but once initiated *poof* hottest topic you can get I think. Anyhow, there will be a major project again this year by the CF and this time round, I'm a "scriptwriter". Not "Bimbo Nurse" or "Kid at Orphanage" or "Non-Playable Character". For now its "scriptwriter", other roles/posts I shall reveal later if any =P 

I have written scripts before, a few times here and there. Written more than what was actually staged or acted out. This would be the biggest script and production that I will be writing to date. Since it will be from scratch and being in a position where you can have a little say at how you want the story to be or go, no doubt you will put up things that you would like to see. Right no.? I had been persistent on a particular matter since day 1 but in the end, it was decided that what I wanted up on display will not get the green light. So that particular thing I wanted so badly, earned me the label of "romantically deprived".

As a person who appreciates art, I'm eager to see where this project will take me. Strange to see myself being the one pushing others now, instead of being the one pushed. Will be cruel or even unrealistic of me to want people to perform like the cast of Glee or dance like the contestants in So You Think You Can Dance. Especially in the area of dance. I am no dancer (I go from saying I have two left legs to the ground is shaking) and heck, I never took ballet before also. But, I have appreciated seeing performances where dancers really stretch as far as they can. You should be able to tell that I like those contemporary ballet or lyrical dance performances by now.  Whatever that I cannot do physically, does not mean I can't picture it in my mind. If there is a piece that I can co-choreograph (mannn, the head director must have that much faith in me), I'm gonna push them to stretch their legs further or jump and leap as high and far as they can. That's in the dance department. Be ready for status quos to be challenged.!

To the journey of script writing, whhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeee~~~~

Rekindle the Fire

That is one thing that impacted me in church today. That three words, the rest of the sermon, I have forgotten or I wasn't paying much attention to begin with. So that three words sealed the deal for me. 

No activities has been carried out for the "thing" that I said yes to yet, but I sure hope that when it does, I will be enthusiastic and positive about it. Its gonna be a role that has much bigger responsibilities that the one I held in the previous production. 

I am not an outstanding figure in leadership, but I don't think I suck big time as well. In student activities/productions, unlike a real job where food on the table is determined by how you do your job, its easy for students or US, to not have much motivation. I once led a group of people who 1) had another language medium as mine. It was bearable at first, I could contain the Grammar Nazi in me. Then after my internship, its irritating to hear people not "speaking properly". They were also of a different kind of work ethic and frequency. They came to meeting multiple times unprepared and when I come to claim their work, they are honest enough to tell me not to worry. I didn't wanna take cheap shots at them or to tell them how to use their time. It was at their own conscience. So, I am not terrible neither am I great. I hope to be open to learning and growth but give me a crowd like that, I just won't be able to be effective and efficient in my work. 

By availing myself for this production in my final year, its definitely a risk. I might have a clue on how demanding this journey would be but not the biggest and clearest picture. Like how the title suggest, its a step (quite a big one actually) that I am taking to rekindle the fire for God. To what lies ahead, its gonna be kick-ass (most used words at the moment).

Welcome to the New Age...

Brrrr, post and title has no relations. That is what happens when I don't know what to name a post and Youtubing at the same time. *Radioactive (cover) by Clara C*

There are a few things that has been on my mind regarding this space here. After so blogging for almost 2 years now, I find my blog not being like those commercial blogs that I follow. It has been somehow an outlet for me to let out anger, frustrations and ramblings. I want a happpeeeyyyhhh blog where I share happy stuff, where I put good things out there. But no, that's so not the case here. I mean, where are my attempts of #OOTD posts. See, I follow fashion blogs where bloggers blog bout the personal style, their vacations, their foodie adventures and I have a weakness for such blogs. Major weakness. Till today, I have never taken a full #ootd shot. Too shy to be in front of the camera. With time and lost of hope, hopefully, I can turn this blog around as I have no plans on moving to a new blog. Don't worry, I will still bitch bout nonsense and crap that is affecting me here.

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There was this incident of me "holding the wrong key at the wrong time" back when I was in Gamma2. Its Delta1 now, so that would be approximately 2 semesters ago. I was holding the key to this study space that me and a bunch of my friends frequent. I was there one night, trying to be a nerd and study for my upcoming Finals. Studying, studying, I halfway got a call from a senior which after that phone call conversation I would call a jackass. So, innocent MeiTheng, studying so hard for Finals got a call from a soon to be jackass senior. Jackass senior on the other line was the epitome of rude and uncivilized. Like my goodness, didn't you learn anything bout manners growing up.? Who on earth talks to a girl, as a matter of fact people like this - "I wanna make myself clear and I don't wanna repeat myself so you listen carefully here. I want the keys to be in my hands by tonight. You understand that or not?". Maybe just maybe, you never learned manners growing up. Stupid me, I got traumatized by that phone call. To think, the keys were in my hands. If I wanted to play games, he would have needed to play by my rules. I could have played hide and seek with him and be a diva and demand him to talk properly.

So that was one. Then there was the no-balls apology this person pulled off. He was already there in the study space when I reached. This was few nights later btw. He pulled his friend along when he apologized to me. Oh mai, brother, where are your balls.??? Like seriously.? Where the heck were they.? So bravely lecture me over the phone and this is the apology you pulled off.?

Months passed and I lived a kick ass life through my internship. After my internship and for my final year, I moved into my own single room, in a house with people I know. Then it was CG, and he is a close friend of one of my housemates. He was chit chatting with my housemate and when he saw me at the hall, I sensed he felt awkward. I said "Hi" and its like he wanted to leave my porch so fast. What a waste right? Inflicting awkwardness on your own. It shows that he knows his apology was bullshit, because if he sees his apology as valid, he wouldn't have felt so awkward to stand at my porch longer. You brought this on yourself brother and I am going to be around. Don't mess with me yo! #YOLO

the Big Blue...

Hooray!! Guess who completed her internship.? Its obvious isn't it. After more than 12 weeks at IBM, I came to my last day. It has been a great journey filled with learning, learning and more learning. The first day that I stepped into Plaza to register and make my employee badge, I was determined to be good at my job and to make this journey a memorable, kick-ass one. When they asked if I could extend till the week before my new semester was suppose to start, I didn't hesitate much. To get a placement with them with the results that I have is a miracle on its own ~ this part I would like to thank my upbringing, thank God I spoke English at home that made me nail the interview in parts where my CV was dented. Extending wasn't much of an issue for me also is because I know how I have been away for stuffs regarding my grandmother and also with Malacca. Am I proud of the placement and also the work I did. A "no" would be total bull right? So definitely yes, I am proud of what I have done during my internship. I didn't get a chance to check how many job seekers that I have handled or have contacted was successfully hired. Whether my performance was exceptional or not, is probably another matter. My main tasks in the office was basically phone interviewing job seekers, passive sourcing for job seekers in job portals, screening CVs, posting and advertising jobs to name a few. I would say I enjoy doing it, though sometimes I find some of it a little tedious. Apart from that, I also had a presentation, which I think I did a decent job at =P 

The three months plus that I was at home, many things had happened. From losing my grandmother to getting a new phone. Talk about extremes. I believed in the three months plus that I was there I contributed to the team that I was assigned in, be it a major or a minor one. I loved getting my paycheck (ooohhh I love my paycheck), knowing that I worked for those money feels good. But I didn't really save while I was home also ~ I spent so much for new clothes but looking at my closet now, I don't see where are my new clothes also. Now that I am back to being a student, I felt almost immediately that my thrifty nature came back haha...

There were stuff that I played a part in and contributed which is not my proudest moments. If there is such a thing as a punishment as of now, I am paying the price. Now that classes have resumed and I am now back in campus, I have to pay my dues for the nonsense that I have done while I was away. Since this is my space in the WWW, I shall write clear and hard of what hurts (quoting Ernest Hemingway). Indeed its not painless (double negatives haha) for me, I did not set out to hurt and maybe back stab. In such an age of social media, there are plenty of keyboard warriors and unfortunately I am one too in this matter. So going for whatever trips for the purpose of relaxation and appreciation whatever, was out of the question for me then. Last minute or whatever, I leave it to the person to think. To publicly write you can't believe what happened "yesterday" is probably not your proudest moment either. You said plenty to me after, after which I don't see a point in explaining myself. And no, not because I wanna disperse blame or I was completely at guilt, but because you don't have a single grasp on me. Accountability, my friend, is probably one concept that you never got. I almost laughed out loud when you were screwing me, in the middle of such a not laughable time. Do I wonder if I am or was a table topic to you and your friends? Well yea of course, I must be blind if I don't think so. Am I sorry for what I have done? Yes of course, I didn't set out to hurt a friend. I failed at being of help to you. Do I bother if you are aware of that? Probably not. I know what my intentions are and were and that should be enough already. 

But all in all, my internship was mine. The things I faced, the challenges I overcame, its value adding to myself. What I have done is possibly selfish, but it is mine to keep and "sell" when I graduate and look for jobs. I did question myself this, which I think can be of use to many ~ Is it better to be brainless or heartless? At that time, my answer was it was better to be heartless. I need my brains to get by. Well, sometimes I am quite the bitch. I'll admit that.

Happier posts to come for Delta.!! #finalyearstudent

*Sigh*

At times and situations like this, all my ability to think straight is non-existent. All I want to do so badly is fling whatever I can get my hands on and just be a 5 year old throwing tantrum. 

Indeed the best person for yourself is yourself. 

One day hopefully, I can loudly say "I don't need you because I have me. But you will need me, because you  are not me!". 

Grandma would be proud on how self sustaining I plan to be. 

Adults.? Well reality check, adults don't give away 300 bucks a month to suffer. Is that seriously the best economic decision you can make? All of a sudden, you don't know what choice and opportunity cost is? Your choice is something that will give you the most satisfaction. 

You are not up for a discussion despite how you say you are ready to listen. When a conversation does not go the way you want it to, you stop it by walking away.

Why on earth do I want to waste time dealing with something that I have the option to not deal with?

Please, what on earth was wrong and which part of my simple explanation did you not get? Which. Part??

#SOSGrandma!!!

#GE13

I am not a political person. I find politics interesting don't get me wrong, just that I don't follow it until some big riots take place or politics becomes some table topic that sucks you right in. The good thing is politics are not rocket science, it is never too late to pick it up. If a politics noob like me can pick it up and know a thing or two a few days before the election, I am pretty sure you can too.

GE13 has just came to an end with the incumbent government coming out victorious, according to CNN ~ "one of the longest serving government in the world". I see many in Fb has changed their profile pictures to black to I guess, show how dark and worse this nation will get or be till the next GE. News are going around how they were unfair and till the next GE rolls around, things in this nation will be darker. 

If someone were to ask me "How dark?", I would know no crap because like I've said, I don't follow politics. What I do know is that by 2017 when I become a first time voter, the actions of my government will affect me more, just like how its affecting my parents and the people in this country right now. 

Only in darkness can light shine, and we are the light of this nation. Our journey to the holy gates of heaven is still far,  and we are still here because God's works here are still not complete. Malaysia is our home, a blessed country where God is in control and we shall reap a harvest if we do not give up on this nation where His works are far from finished.

Be blessed fellow Malaysians...

Honour and Grace

On the 3rd of April 2013, at 8.08pm, my grandmother left us all peacefully after losing a short battle with liver cancer and more importantly after living a life with honour and grace.

Flashback to the day I first found out that she has the bigC, it was the first day of Chinese New Year. Upon knowing she has the bigC and also that it is already in stage 4, the first thought I had was I don't think she will be around the next new year which means she wont be around when I graduate from university. Of course trying to see what will be a year from now is maybe to far into the future, so I started thinking of events that will be happening in that year like my 21st birthday, Christmas, New Year's Eve. Still there was a high chance that she would not be around for those too. 

When she was admitted to Selayang Hospital on the last day of CNY, I knew somehow her condition was getting worse. When I visited her, she still could ask me to get her a handbag similar to what I was using saying that its a good bag to bring along when she goes to the market. At such a stage where she was already much weaker as compared to how she usually is, she still wanted to go to the market. She was discharged a few days later when doctors discovered that there was not much that they can do and the best option was to bring my grandmother home and make her as comfortable as possible.  

Her condition continued to deteriorate from then. I fed her dinner whenever I go over to my aunt's place when she no longer could hold a spoon up herself. I liked how they said my grandma eats more when I am the one feeding her =)) hahaha... Her taste buds changed too, she ate things she would have never touched. My first time trying out red velvet was also her first, so is Alexis' Berries Meringue. Soon she came to a stage where breathing was harder for her, hence talking required more effort. Even so, she did asked about my friends that she remembers and also how work was for me, did anyone bully me in my workplace and listened attentively to what I had to say. She has nothing to worry, she has a grandchild that would not be bullied at any cost and also one that has no problem saying whatever and walking away.

I left the office at around 10am plus after just entering for 2 hours plus. I reached my aunt's place and her breathing problem has gotten worse. We stayed around at the house throughout the day. She opened her eyes one last time and left us all peacefully shortly after. 

I liked how even during the wake, when the undertakers told us to not wash our hair until the funeral ends and also to be on a vegetarian diet, my aunt actually said "Its ok, mother knows and understands we need to wash our hair". Yeap, my pohpoh knows I need to wash my hair and how I can't stand oily hair, and she is ok with it. We didn't even had vegetarian food after her funeral, in fact we had bak kut teh for dinner. Pohpoh is enjoying the meal with us from up there =)) My pohpoh was one very cool grandma.

I will always remember the times I sat on her lap during car rides from way back when till I grew so big that it is almost impossible to sit on her lap anymore. 

The times she made pan mee at home for a few weeks and how her stir fried minced pork plus pan mee combination beats any pan mee I have tasted.

When my uncle got her a juicer and we played with it for days until we realize cleaning it up is such a hassle.

The first time I saw her walking with a walking stick and in my heart I went "oh no, she is getting older.."

The times where she will braid my hair for school and share the new hair oil she has gotten from the lady who does her hair.

Her story telling sessions which includes war times, the stories of her kids, the nieces and nephews she helped took care and also me when I was younger.

These to name a few...

Poh, you don't have to worry bout me, how you always told me to study and be a university graduate ~ I am already half way there. How you also always told me the importance of getting a good job and not having to rely on others ~ I will make sure of that when I come out into the working world. I am beyond thankful for having you to raise me and being such a major part of my years growing up and my life as well. I am glad that I can talk to you and know you so well because not knowing you would have been such a loss. We just hope you will enjoy your new place up there, your new car and the driver and so much more =))

the big C vs the big B

I've been going to my aunt's place very often now, ever since we found out that my grandmother was battling the big C. Spending Friday nights and the weekends there, I got the see a ridiculous amount of adults saying stuff that doesn't make sense. Just for laughing purposes here is one episode I would like to share. My aunt said this to my grandmother:

"You know, you have got to push yourself to get better. A few years after I had my daughter, I had this sickness. I had headache, diarrhea and I vomited. There was no medicine for it, just your will to get well. In fact, it was pure suffering, even more miserable and painful than your situation."

At this part, I took of my earphones and commented how unfair it is to say whose suffering was worse, but of course she ignored it.


One day in my imaginative mind, lets say that I injure my toe. The pain was bad, my toe is now black in colour. And I go around saying that the pain I am going through is far more painful than the pain that she went through while giving birth to her daughter. 

Being the grand daughter watching her grandmother fighting to survive and hearing comments like this is not easy. I wonder whether my aunt was sitting on her brain when she said that or all the other things she has said. I don't get how people can bring themselves to say things like this. My grandmother is 80 plus and is in the final stage, though it is painful for me or her family to see her fight, she of all people feels the most pain and only God knows much fear she is going through. 

My hope for all who are journeying with her, here is the time to be reasonable and lets your words encourage.

Sitting On Your Brain

I looked as if I was wasting my time, slacking, not being worried at all bout the coming Finals, like I don't care at all. In my interpretation, I am not taking Finals seriously and I looked as if I am only taking 3 subjects in a long semester. I would add on that the 3 subjects are Moral Studies, Malaysian Studies and maybe a co-curriculum subject. 

Clearly this person sat on his brain while talking. Mind you, I am taking 6, 5 of which are core subjects as stated in the course structure, unlike those who take 3 simple subjects in a semester, waste their time in uni just because and God knows what else they do as they have been in uni for forever and looks as if they have no plans to leave. And why the heck must I let the whole world know if I am worried or scared for my papers.? 

Please, your awful day is your awful day. Not mine, and don't give me crap just because you are stressed. You should know how to conduct yourself better. Use your words to encourage and not to tear one down. I don't apologize for being so relaxed and worry free. You are stressed and you behave badly in public, that's clearly your problem. I could have turned around and snapped, I walked away instead cause I know the importance of giving face (which you clearly didn't and possibly incapable of) and not wasting your time.   

The End of One

Its 3am and I decided to update. I've been catching up with my studies for Finals. Its been so so, there has been better more productive days of course. 

Went home last week for an internship interview on Friday. 
Don't know if it was any good because of the dent in my CGPA but I really want to be placed there. 
I do want it that bad. Good company, good pay, near home ~ who wouldn't want it.? 
Refreshed my email for so many times today to see if they have replied me, but sadly my inbox is still empty.
If its in God's plan I would get it I suppose. Am glad that I've gotten so far, without much hitches in my studies. 

After that interview and a short stay at home, I came back to Malacca on Sunday.
Got back to my room and quickly showered and get ready for CF's appreciation dinner at 99 Garden.
Nice view and surrounding, food was okay...
It was a good night, the girls turned up looking so pretty =)
Can't believe my 2nd and my final time serving in CF has come to an end. An End. God showed me alot through the people He placed around me. It was one epic roller coaster ride to work side by side certain people in certain situations but it was still a journey honouring and to honour God. 
Dealt with difference in work ethics, communication break downs, difference in opinions to name a few. 
Learnt to carry myself better, be gracious with people, hold my breath especially when things go out of hand.
As a person placed in a position to give and serve, it was still okay to receive. A sister told me that its okay because we don't run with a tank that never runs out. 
Few nights ago, I had this thought ~ my whole existence here, since I came in during Beta, I have been in the committee and now that I don't have it anymore, it did feel as if I had to learn how to exist all over again. Gonna sit down soon and reflect on how faithful God has been through it all despite how far I have been at times.

To the next batch of committee's, I wish you all the best and may God's hand be upon everyone of you and everything that you do as well. May He guide you when you are lost and strengthen each of you when you are weak. Commit your plans to Him, He will make your plans succeed. This is the good race you are running for Him =)

I don't know what I will be up to after this. There are still many stuff and areas that I have yet to try out. I hope a musical will be back though, it will be my chance to try out script writing, costume directing what else.? Serving in church. A second Project 365 maybe. Be a Final Year Student and a good one at that as well. That's the rough ideal plan, He ultimately decides. 

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.

    And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

    and to walk humbly with your God.

~ Micah 6:8

And Your timing is just perfect. I needed to be reminded of this again. Help us all to lead a life worthy to be called Your children. May we be a blessing to others just like how You have faithfully blessed us with so much. 

Double Standards

Surprisingly, that is the first tip in my Knowing/Tackling Nonsense 101.

So yea, double standards exist and it sucks if you are on the losing end. Think of it this way, if the roles were reversed, what had happened would have become a hot topic and people would come to me to demand an apology be made to that person. Those who saw what happened is literally sweeping this under the rug because it involved a saint behaving badly. Here is news for you...

1) you were out of line

2) you were out of line

3) you were so out of line.

A Day Later

So, yesterday I thought a day was enough for me get over what happened, but what happened in CF clearly showed I didn't. I hated myself for being so weak. So.Damn.Weak. Its one more reason to add to the bucket of reasons-I-wanna-get-out-of-here-fast.

Like how the heck can I start crying when you walked in halfway during P&W.? Yea, weak, I know. I really wanted so badly to just let people know what happened but I also know if I were to do that, I am not any better than you. A friend told me that I might be traumatized by what happened (maybe I am). I become "unstable" when the incident crosses my mind and for today, it crossed my mind so many times. 

Its actually a good thing now that this person is leaving soon, even if it will be the same time as mine. I cannot bear the thought of another person getting that kind of treatment from that first class ass. So, its for the best that this person is leaving. I wont have another junior or friend of mine being "terrorized" like this. 

One thing you have that I clearly don't have ~ you have the people's support and favour, people here look at you as this saint who can do no wrong, mature, wise and whatever other crap. I on the other hand, I am considered "noise" whenever I open my mouth and I can feel people going "ohh there she goes again..". Even if I were to blab bout this, who the heck would buy my story.? So yea, go ahead and count yourself lucky. If I have let the adult guard in me down for that moment and told my parents bout this, my dad would have drove here and give you a lecture that will straight knock you to puberty. But, I am an adult. I believe I will deal with you once I am ready. In the meantime, I am also a smart ass who knows how to protect herself.

I am keyboard warrior here but that's cause I don't know how to deal with this properly like an adult, yet.

The Importance of Being Courteous

Out of courtesy, 

I let you talk to me in a way I clearly did not deserve.

I didn't hang up the phone, instead I let you continue to talk to me in that tone of yours.

*if it was someone else, they would have hung up the phone, or maybe curse you before doing so*

I still tried my best to talk to you politely.

*if it was someone else, they would have properly stop you halfway and out talk you just like that*

Even my grandmother with the little education she had carries herself waaaaayyyy better than the way you just did.

I write this not to get back at you for the crap you flung to my face, but in the hopes that you saw where you took the wrong turn and learn from it. To be a better a person.

As a student here, I've had my fair share of seeing seniors behaving badly and what just happened might have made me the most courteous bitch on the face of earth. How the so called high and mighty have fallen in my eyes, at least.

Simple Joys

Today, I am thankful for...

- 2 of my lecturers are not barring me for my Finals because of my tutorial attendance

- the little small progress with my internship placement

- Dad finally settled my tuition fees for this semester

- found the song that I've been youtubing in my music library =D

- the strength to hold my tongue when I could have done otherwise.

- still being able to put myself out there, just out there.

53 Ornaments

Christmas Celebration is finally over and done with.! Yes Yes Yes =D

Looking at how it went there were definitely things I could have done more. I could have prepared more ornaments for decorations, more preparation for the photo booth and most importantly, I could have surrendered more to God than to rely on my strengths. Quite honestly, I saw this opportunity to plan the party as an outlet to dump all my creativity, party must haves and ideas (like the photo booth). This was the chance, only chance I will have to try out all the decorating tips and tutorials I googled. I saw this as a golden opportunity to see what is it like to make a photo booth, what was it like to hang doyleys from the ceiling etc and the guilt free part is that I get to try this all out for free. Yes, free. Well, I kinda went over budget still =.=

I ran up and down and tried so hard to make it look good so that people can have a good time, people can leave with pretty pictures of the night and also so that I can look and admire at pretty decos. The fact that I have a better and greater reason to celebrate and rejoice on this day didn't cross my mind as much as it should have.

Now that its done, of course I hope that the next person who is in charge of this wouldn't go though what I went through. I still have hopes of seeing a minimum of 80 ornaments dangling around and a nicer photo booth to be set up next. But at the bottom of it all, the planners must know the reason why they want to give so much and that they have such a great reason for the season that they are in. The tough lesson here is, in all that you do, put Him first. 

See what I meant when I said there could have been more stuff dangling down from the ceiling.? Could have, whats that word... "rain down more heavily" =D

Know.Remember.Embrace

You are one hell of a tough bitch.!

always know that, remember that and best of all, embrace it.